Follow the current where it leads

There may come a time when you feel lost or out of sorts. Life gets complicated and intense, and it can feel like there is no way to set things back on course. Those of you who have been walking my dissertation journey here with me know what I am talking about, because you have borne witness to my prolonged malaise in this rigorous course of study.

It is certain that I have been wrestling with this process. I hate to belabor the point but the experience has been such that it is taking me much longer than I expected to snap out of it. That’s because, instead of trying to “force” a resolution, I have been letting the malaise simmer. I’ve got a regular malaise stew a-cooking these days. 

My logic? The conflict within me needs to work its way out. I have a tendency to be impulsive, making snap decisions in the heat of the moment without thinking things through and later wishing I had taken time to let my subconscious contribute to the conversation. In this situation, I am trying to take a mature view of my situation and make a decision on “next steps” based on truth. My truth. 

Sometimes, it means having a conversation with a good friend. Not a conversation that is intended to examine the problem directly, and then come to a conclusion through the give-and-take of the discussion. I mean a conversation that evolves while you are catching up on each other’s lives, and the flow of the chat is just that kind of easy discourse that opens up the ideas being exchanged while you are connecting -- or reconnecting -- with a good friend. 

I am thankful that I have these kind of friends in my life. They are steady as a drumbeat. They are there when I need them, whether I reach out or not. 

Lately, in all the madness that my daily life has become, I have been taking the path of least resistance. Part of me wants to call it “succumbing to the easy way out.” By that I mean, I have been making decisions based on what pulls at me from the most basic level. Sometimes that means my dedication to my schoolwork takes a back seat to my devotion to my family. Or to my own human side. 

For example, when I return home from a full day of work, after navigating the 40-plus-minute commute, and having somehow managed to pull together a reasonably decent dinner, I face the choice that I am sure every graduate student faces: at this hour of the evening, do I have it in me to sit down at my computer or with a research book, to reengage my already weary mind for a few more hours? 

I wish I could say emphatically, “Yes! I can and I do have it in me!” The truth is, I often do not. I will not force myself these days to continue to sacrifice rest, sleep, or precious time with a loved one, for the sake of this coveted degree that I do -- let me remind you -- I do want to achieve.

You can question my commitment if you wish. I don’t care. I prefer to look at it as being true to my personal philosophy, which has two parts. Part one: Don’t miss the opportunity to spend time with those you love. Part two: When the body says “rest,” listen to it.

In a way, my combo of a personal philosophy is another way of saying I am all about living my own authentic life. I keep running into this idea in the things I read -- somehow, it seems to be an undercurrent of my dissertation topic, if I think about it. Just this morning, I picked up a book that was offered as a freebie at church, and my curiosity got the better of me so I began to read it. (Because, you know, I had nothing else to do.)

Rediscover Catholicism, A Spiritual Guide to Living with Passion and Purpose by Matthew Kelly (Ohio: Beacon Publishing, 2010) may be just a momentary diversion from my required scholarly reading, but it is in line with my current practice of doing what appeals to me at the moment, regardless of what my “To Do” List demands of me. 

What happens when I give in to my whims is this: inevitably, I am offered some crumb of wisdom or insight or support or encouragement. I don’t have to scrutinize the evidence to gain this blessing of a revelation. I only have to follow the current where it leads me. 

Today, the reading led me to this, right there on page 33: “We have a universal hunger for the authentic, a longing to be and become and experience all we are capable of and created for. Everything good in the future (for ourselves, our marriages, our families, our communities, our Church, our nation, and humanity) depends on whether or not we will follow this longing.”

Well, there it is. 

My interpretation was rather immediate. I took this as personal validation that I am right where I need to be, in my pursuit of a doctorate. I am striking a balance that at times is frustrating because I am used to being out of balance most of the time. I have lived most of my adult life burning the candle at both ends. I have lived with the daily mantra of “Suck it up.” I have put off relaxation and declined social events for the sake of work or school. 

Now, I am taking a stand. I am saying, “No more.” All the things that I want to do, I will do. I will do them in my time, on my schedule, and in my way. And you know what? I will get them done. The things that mean the most will fill my days. I trust that those “things” will be the right things for me. None of these lofty goals in life is worth feeling stressed about when you can step back and say, “I already have the most important things. I have family. I have friends. I have love in my life.” 

Everything else is a bonus. 

Copyright 2011 By Marianne V. Heffernan