Back on track

It’s done.

I’ve been stressing out over my dissertation quagmire long enough. I have been considering whether to continue on the path I have been on, with the Committee I assembled and the question that has developed as my “topic” these last several months. My decision has weighed heavily all this time: Do I want it that badly to continue to feel inadequate or unworthy on a regular basis, or at all?

I had to decide if I truly want this degree. I also had to decide whether a possible mismatch on my Committee held the key to freeing me to pursue an exploration of the “real” questions inside me.

Tonight I pulled the trigger. I composed a note to Professor Three respectfully thanking her for her insight, guidance, and expertise. Then I told her I was moving on without her.

I take no pleasure in doing so, because no matter how professional or respectful or logical my note was, I am sure that on some level, Professor Three’s reaction will not be a positive one. I cannot concern myself with that. This journey is very difficult, and I will have many moments where I will feel frustrated and discouraged. I may even wonder if I made the right decision in dismissing the insights of such an expert in the grief field. 

I cannot look back. Tonight, I need to move on. I have a new Professor to begin introducing to my proposal, and I have renewed optimism that this combination of expertise and experience will be the one that leads to a successful conclusion of this research project. The goal is still far off, but I believe I can see it again and it still appeals to me.

For now, that is enough to get me back on track.

Copyright 2011 by Marianne V. Heffernan