Treading water

I realize it has been about a month since my last post. You’ll recall, that was the post in which I wore my heart on my sleeve, lamenting the stinging critiques of my dissertation committee as I failed yet again to gain their approval of my latest attempt at clarifying my research topic.

It's not their fault; this is all me.

A month of licking my wounds, and I am still not up for another round. What, you say? Backing down from a fight, you? Not possible.

I am grateful for the encouraging comments from many of you. It means something to me to know that others are pulling for me and have an appreciation for my writing and aspirations of higher learning.  

Unfortunately, I am still treading water. I have been around in circles reviewing proposal comments, seeking the sage counsel of one or two good friends who never let me down when it comes to picking me up. I am trying to sort it out.

I hesitate to say the words, but I am at a crossroads. The signs are pointing in directions, none of which, at the moment, appeal to me:

• Turn around, go back, start over. Maybe even pick a new topic.
• Forge on with this Committee, take your lumps, figure it out no matter how difficult or painful it will be. In other words, Suck it up, Probie. You have not earned the right to feel anything but humble.
• Take a year off. Give the latest discouragement time to heal, then try again.

I can tell you, I am not digging the options. 

Option 1 means a major setback on my road to a PhD. Graduation becomes an even further-off dream. Option 2 likely means continued “punishment” by way of feeling inadequate, unintelligent, un-academic (if that is a word) and “just plain old not good enough.” Option 3 is a lot like Option 1, except it has the added bonus of me potentially deciding after a year off that it is just too darn hard to restart the old research engine. Look, middle age is middle age, and we only get older from there if we are blessed.

Or, perhaps there is an Option 4. Refresh my original idea, flesh it out, clarify it, and clean house. Start fresh with a new committee and my early idea of what it is that I want to know, explore, and offer to the world. 

Ah. This coud be tricky. Egos are undoubtedly involved when intelligent, accomplished individuals are brought together to discuss and develop a researchable question that ultimately will contribute to a larger conversation. I’m talking about my ego included. Sometimes, the chemistry just doesn’t work. I have begun to think that, in this case, bad chemistry may be worth a closer look. 

Who am I to suggest “removing” a professor or two, or maybe even all three, from the team? I’m the one who is seeking the doctorate, and seeking a team that I feel I can work with respectfully and productively. I’m not sure I have that mix, at the moment. Painful as it may be, I may need to consider if I have assembled the right team for this task. Because ultimately, if I am not making progress after more than a year of trying to flesh it out, it may be time to make a change. 

Copyright 2011 By Marianne V. Heffernan