Another learning experience on the Journey to Dissertation. I am forced to consider a serious question: Am I a quitter?
I’m not going to answer that just yet because my immediate, defiant, stubborn response will be, “No, I am NOT a quitter.”
After setting myself up for public humiliation last week by posting (with great jubilation, I recall) that I had completed yet another iteration of my proposal, and was feeling like I had figured out a clear path, I took a one-two punch from two of my Committee members after they reviewed my latest flash of brilliance. The lumps are just beginning to subside, but I have to say, my early and fierce reaction to some of the remarks was, “Life is too short for this kind of self-inflicted torture. The hell with this.”
I really can’t bear to get into the details of their comments because it doesn’t matter at the moment. The upshot is, I was stunned at some of the harsh tones and took it personally. That’s the trouble with email communication (although I am not so sure that a phone conversation would have sounded less critical; after all, I don’t know my professors as “people” but as Experienced, Educated Professionals who also happen to already have the coveted doctoral degree hanging on their walls).
I’m sure many of you would feel the same way. You put your heart and soul into something, sacrificing your precious “free” time because you see the goal in the distance and want it so badly that you are willing to give up time with your loved ones, relaxation time after putting in a 10- or 12-hour day at your “real” job, and weekend fun, because this goal is going to give you new opportunities and unknown insights. Not to mention how rewarding it will feel to accomplish something so challenging.
It has been incredibly difficult to find and retain a strong focus on my research, this I freely admit. Not because I am not interested in it. Not because I am afraid of hard work. I will blame much of it on a demanding full-time job that usually requires more than eight hours of my energy, time and attention. Tack on a daily commute, a sickly pet that requires high-maintenance daily care, a few family crises, and the normal life requirements of staying healthy and being happy, and voila! You have a fantastic recipe for a nervous breakdown.
Look, no one said it was going to be easy to get a Ph.D. I get that. I am, however, surprised at what I am learning about academia, about academicians, and about the process of orchestrating a doctoral degree. Until now, I had felt that the grueling schedule of course work, capped by an intense comprehensive exam, were the toughest part of this Ph.D. experience.
I’m starting to think getting over the “Proposal Hurdle” is the real nut to crack. At least, it is for me. Since I cannot take a sabbatical from my day job to focus on my schooling, I have to make a decision. Plow ahead, figure it out, get the Three Wise Committee Members to Align. Then surge along to the finish line.
OR, I could just take satisfaction in having come this far.
I did get something for my efforts, after all. At the completion of my course work and comp exam, I received a “Certificate of Advanced Graduate Studies,” one of those “in-between” awards that is beyond a Master’s but not exactly a doctorate. Some might call it a consolation prize for those who don’t have it in them to go that extra distance to get the Ph.D.
Am I a quitter? The answer lies deep within me. I need to ask myself this in solitude, and consider what more I am going to have to sacrifice at this point in my life to achieve this lofty prize. Is it worth it?
Copyright 2011 By Marianne V. Heffernan
YES, it's worth it Mare! You'll regret having come this far and not going all the way, no matter how long it takes or how hard it is. I can't say I'm speaking from experience, because I certainly have not taken on anything that comes close to this, but quitting is just not your style! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteFrom Daniel Miller's "Stuff"(2010)... "My definition of the anthropologist [which is one of the things you are doing when you look at grief practices in social media] is someone who seeks to demonstrate the consequences of the universal for the particular and of the particular for the universal by equal devotion to the empathetic understanding and encompassment of both"(10).
ReplyDeleteCalvin Coolidge's politics aside, his words still ring true:
ReplyDelete“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
You have a nice writing style and your heart always comes through. The world needs more people like you who are willing to put yourself out there and keep on going. Don't give up.
Wow, I cannot believe I did not reply to you kind folks! This is late, but still comes from the heart: @Sandy, thank you for believing in me; @Roxanne, thank you for your gift of clarity on my approach; and @Bruce, thank you for appreciating my efforts and encouraging me that there are people out there who can get something from what I am offering here. Everyone, thanks for sticking with me. I won't let you down! Keep your comments coming whenever they strike you. They are much appreciated.
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